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KICK THE BALLS /* */ var gaJsHost = (("https:" == document.location.protocol) ? "https://ssl." : "http://www.");document.write(unescape("%3Cscript src="http://www.kicktheballs.wordpress.com/" + gaJsHost + "google-analytics.com/ga.js' type='text/javascript'%3E%3C/script%3E")); var wpcomPageTracker = _gat._getTracker("UA-52447-2");wpcomPageTracker._setDomainName("wordpress.com");wpcomPageTracker._initData();wpcomPageTracker._trackPageview(); KICK THE BALLS Home ALAN BLACK - Kick the BallsTHE HOOLIGAN OPERA CIRCLE THE WAGONS - KIDS SOCCER IS BACK August 31, 2008  PITTSBURGH-POST GAZZETTESunday, August 31, 2008Kids’ soccer is back!And the adults should just get out of the way, advises writer ALAN BLACKSchool is back, and that means soccer season is primed to kick off. Cleats are being bought. Shin guards are being fixed. Balls are being rolled. The sliding doors of various vans are popping open, and young persons of all shapes and sizes are running towards the soccer fields. Soccer moms and dads fiddle with their calendars, squeezing time, slimming down their summer peace in exchange for the autumn campaign — the one on the sidelines. The dreadful coaches, the obnoxious parents and the blind referees. Winning is everything, and then it’s not, when junior’s team cannot score, ever.Many teams will lose close, some will be wiped out. Thousands of kids with no skill will be running after a ball, bunching like bananas, skinned by more talented and organized peers. Junior’s squad is turning out to be the worst team in the history of the sport. No American wants to be holding the wooden spoon, stirring a soup of losers. And some parents get mad, hardly awake on a Saturday morning at 9 a.m., annoyed that the “Tall” Starbucks cup is as short as Danny DeVito. And it never stays hot.So they yell!“What the hell are you doing, coach?”Or whisper curses like a ventriloquist.“Oh, I hate him. That ref is as blind as a bat.”All the while wondering why their kid is spending so little time on the field.They’re coming off a boss in a bad mood, news filled with pointless presidential bashes and every large-carbon-footprint company suddenly converting to green. But the only green on the losing sideline is envy. Look at them over there, smiling, as their kids whip junior and his teammates. Soon the sire is begging to be put in swimming class. “I want to be like Phelps, and eat all those omelets.”Week after week, yawn after yawn, the fall campaign bogged down in recrimination and vindictiveness, some parents abandon the cause, others hardly care, but there is always one guy who can’t take it anymore. And he explodes. Chasing the referee to his car after the game, blasting the coaches with volleys of fury, maybe even punching another parent. It makes the local newspaper, maybe the nationals if someone really gets hurt. The rage wars leave wounds.It’s a problem that won’t go away. A recent report by the University of Maryland surveyed parents in the Washington, D.C., area and found that 53 percent of parents felt angry during their kids’ soccer game. The June 2008 issue of Applied Social Psychology concluded that sideline rage is a close relative of road rage, triggered by the nasty defensive plays of the ego. With traffic jams everywhere and people toxic and fuming at rising gasoline prices, it’s a link that smells like more trouble to come.Jay Goldstein, a researcher at the University of Maryland Department of Public Health, provides advice for parents prone to explosive behavior: Suck on lollipops during games to keep your mouth shut, do yoga stretches, visualize floating on water, etc.But if we are to drown out the adult bullies and the aggressors, more imaginative measures may be needed. End the age of obsessive parental control. It’s time to let the children go.Kids should organize games themselves, pick their own teams, abandon the need for referees. Soon the natural order of leaders and followers will rise, collective fairness will ascend, disputes resolved by interaction and not authority. Throw a little freedom at kids and they will use it productively.Parents can watch the games at a safe distance, on a raised platform, out of earshot with binoculars in hand, if they really need to keep an eye on junior. The referee will be with them and he can hand out yellow and red cards to coffee-ripped adults showing dissent to society at large. At least the kids won’t hear the moaning. Let them play their games away from adults. The results will be good. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized Tagged: coaching kids, kids soccer, pee wee soccer 4 Comments » Own Goal at the Olympics by Britain’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown August 25, 2008  Gordon Brown, the British Prime Minister, scored a spectacular own goal at the Olympics. He called for a British soccer team to be assembled for the 2012 games in London, citing Britain as the home of soccer, and “unthinkable” that the host nation would be deprived of a team. The UK is made up of four football associations, England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland. To merge them into one for the Olympics would bring pressure on FIFA to insist the UK have one national team in international soccer.Some are now wondering if Brown is a secret Scottish nationalist agent, intent on destroying the United Kingdom. As if Scotland would risk losing its status as an independent soccer nation to have one or two Scots play at the Olympics for two weeks. No faster route to Scottish independence could be imagined than us losing our team. Thank you agent Broon. Keep up the good work. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized 1 Comment » SEASON’S OFF August 19, 2008  The European football boot is afoot. Another season of rising suns and setting moons, Icarus metaphors and Humpty Dumpty crashes. Hope injections fuel the weak, soon it’s an addiction. Nervous disorders afflict the mighty, bravado the arrogant. The plain talk and the cliche are stripped, and on from the start. Thank God, football is back.Here’s a true footballing story.Many lagers ago, I worked in a posh hotel in Glasgow, as a bellman, room service chump. The mighty Glasgow Rangers Football Club stayed at the hotel regularly. After a mid-week game, several of the players drank heavily, in the hotel bar. Eleven o’clock came. The bar closed. And the Rangers entourage went on the attack. I was summoned.“Get that fucking bar open,” said a man with orange hair.I explained the impossibility of such a request. He stuck a lit cigar to my face, close enough to smell the hatred from this man’o'football.“Do you see that fucking Rolls Royce in the car park?” he said. “It’s mine! I’m on the Rangers Board of Directors. Get that fucking bar open!”His gaze ready with low intelligence, and high success.A hand intervened, a player, indeed, a Rangers legend, Ally McCoist.“That’s enough,” he said, slipping me a twenty pound note, leading away the Board member. He ordered the party over. Several of the players disappeared upstairs with the hired women.Leaving at sunrise, the night shift mine, I keyed the Rolls Royce. It was Orange colored, like lager soaked piss. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized Tagged: football season, Glasgow Rangers, Premier League No Comments » Becks Hair Situation August 3, 2008  I’m watching the San Jose Earthquakes versus the Hollywood Galaxy from the Oakland Coliseum. The camera shots are steep, like the stadium seats. Oakland is a mean place with a mean sun. And it is illuminating this possible fact - Becks is balding at the crown. And to make matters worse, his scalp is burned. You can’t come from suburban London to California without the 50Factor screen. Becks’ advisers should take care of his head, or the dermatologist will be calling with the bad news. And a call to the Hair Club For Men is also in order. Maybe an endorsement deal is in the offing. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized Tagged: Beckham No Comments » MARKING BECKHAM August 1, 2008  Becks is adding his golden signature to the black marker. Not that he is in a hurry these days to get around anyone on the field but apparently he is up for more autographs. Sharpie has signed Becks to its global campaign to become the pen of choice for the famed. The permanent marker scores - maybe it will rub off on Becks goal tally. But like all pens, it runs dry. When a Sharpie dies, and these days leaving the cap off for more than ten minutes can be fatal for its future, a cry of “Damn and Blast,” is likely followed up by a throw of the Sharpie at the trash can, that usually misses, like much of Becks’ free-kicks these days. More stains on the landfill. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized Tagged: "soccer latest", autographs, Beckham, sharpie No Comments » Heroes July 28, 2008  People seem impressed by astronauts, someone like Buzz Aldrin. But anyone can go to the moon. I was living on it in seventies Glasgow. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized No Comments » Letter to Senator Obama July 21, 2008  Obama's pal Kerry on the ballSenator Obama,The Afghans don’t want Americans marching around their mountains, throwing pigskin shaped missiles at their huts. It’s all wrong, and it has to do with the shape of your American balls. Have the B52 drop millions of soccer balls on the Northwest Frontier and soon the enemy will be organizing teams, a league, be in FIFA and playing in the next World Cup. The Taleban will be shaking hands and dancing in the Fan Mile in Johannesburg. The Beatles nearly had it right. It’s not “all you need is love,” it’s “all you need is soccer.”Granted, the Pakistanis are a harder nut to crack on their side of the border, but the bombers could drop millions of cricket balls, and while a few cracked heads would annoy some, locals would have the stumps up and running within hours of the bombardment.This is the problem with US foreign policy. You can’t dump gridiron and stolen bases on the world. No one wants that. So Senator Obama, the message is clear. If you want the USA to save billions of dollars over the next decade, and spare the lives of American troops, back soccer ball bombing as your game! Soccer heals.YoursKick the Balls Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized Tagged: afghanistan, obama, senator, soccer No Comments » HALF TIME SNACK July 17, 2008  Head out to the green suburbs this weekend for kids soccer, and you’ll see some nice fruit and tastes of the Alps. Smooth, purifying Evian water sits beside the organic oranges sliced to perfection. Sterile hands serve kids the pleasures of a healthy half-time snack. Now take a trip through time and space (thanks Mighty Boosh) and look at this.1978: Half Time Snack Record of Opponents Playing Against My High School Soccer Team, Under 15 levelSt. Marks High - (on) GlueSt. Columba High - (on) MarlborosTrinity High - (on) CrucifixesQueens Park High - (on) LagerNaturally, these teams beat us. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized No Comments » THE BATTLE OF SANTIAGO - 1962 July 17, 2008 At the World Cup Finals in Chile in 1962, Italy played the host in the most violent game ever to be played at a World Cup Finals. Here are the highlights of the grievous bodily harm, described by legendary commentator David Coleman. Quite remarkable! Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized No Comments » TRACKING BECKHAM ii June 19, 2008  At the corner of Union Square in San Francsico, I dropped to my knees and sniffed the sidewalk. After I had filtered out the piss stains from the homeless legions that call the city their home, I detected the whiff of expensive perfume, the cologne of the God Beckham. Across the street, in the square, thousands of acolytes were waiting in the temple for the unveiling of the God’s image, a massive building sized poster that stretched across the facade of Macys Department store. But for now, it was covered in blackness.With my stolen backstage passes in hand, I attempted to enter the inner sanctum. Security was as tight as Beckham’s voice. Immediately I was spotted as an intruder - “Where did you get that?” said the guards. “It’s a real pass,” I said. “I have to get into see David.” No deal. The security personnel resplendent in their secret service look escorted me away, and pointed me out, watch him.Then, the great Beckham appeared on stage. High voices screeched, the deity’s’s followers surged forwards, and the black drop fell from the poster, revealing the God Beckham in his underwear, his cock and balls curved in a parabola of tender weight, bright and shiny, virile, and as we all stood awestruck at his package, we were fertilized by our God, infected with superstar mania. Some ladies used fans to cool down.Beneath the Corinthian pillar in the center of Union Square, this Greco-Roman triumph at the Gates of Underwear needed a challenge. I dropped my pants to the crowd, and showed my seedy, two dollar boxers from Ross Dress for Less. No one was amused. The Gods would punish me for my insolence.I waited at the backstage for the God’s departure. With hundreds jostling, I screamed, “David. I have a book for you. Kick the Balls. Your name is on the cover. I signed it for you” For a split second he turned, and in that magical moment when I felt the God was looking at me, and me alone, I believed he was about to reach out and take the copy I had especially signed for him.But no.Zeus sent him on his way, punishment for me, who had dared to insult the wisdom of expensive underwear in the temple. Posted by Alan Black Filed in Uncategorized No Comments » « Previous Entries ALAN BLACK - Kick the BallsTHE HOOLIGAN OPERA CIRCLE THE WAGONS - KIDS SOCCER IS BACK Own Goal at the Olympics by Britain’s Prime Minister, Gordon Brown SEASON’S OFF Becks Hair Situation MARKING BECKHAM "soccer latest"afghanistanautographsBeckhamcoaching kidsfootball seasonGlasgow Rangerskids soccerMajor League Soccerobamapee wee soccerPremier Leaguesenatorsharpiesoccersport Midget Gems ComedyPitchInvasionThe Blag - You Know You Want ItThe EICUnprofessional Foulwordsub - blowing holes in culture Theme: Emire by Phu. 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