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On The Line Tennis Magazine image1 = new Image();image1.src = "images/ball1.jpg";image2 = new Image();image2.src = "images/ball2.jpg";image3 = new Image();image3.src = "images/ball3.jpg";image4 = new Image();image4.src = "images/serena.jpg";image5 = new Image();image5.src = "images/quiz58a.jpg";image6 = new Image();image6.src = "images/otl.jpg";image7 = new Image();image7.src = "images/coach.gif";image8 = new Image();image8.src = "images/jez.gif";image9 = new Image();image9.src = "images/hangman6.gif";image10 = new Image();image10.src = "images/email.gif";image11 = new Image();image11.src = "images/fp_037.jpg"; function popup(popup_page) { NewWin=window.open (popup_page,"newwin",config="width=600,height=400,location=no,status=no,directories=no,toolbar=no,scrollbars=yes,menubar=no,resizable=yes,top=30,left=30"); }  HUMOUR COACHING TIPS COMMENT QUIZ QUOTES LINKS HOME     exploring the world of tennis . . . www.tennisontheline.org Months = new Array() Months[0]="Jan" Months[1]="Feb" Months[2]="March" Months[3]="April" Months[4]="May" Months[5]="June" Months[6]="July" Months[7]="Aug" Months[8]="Sept" Months[9]="Oct" Months[10]="Nov" Months[11]="Dec" RightNow = new Date() var Today = RightNow.getDate() var Month = Months[RightNow.getMonth()] var Year = RightNow.getFullYear() document.write(""+Today+ " " +Month+ " " +Year+ ""); var r_text = new Array (); r_text[0] = "Boldly Going Nowhere!"; r_text[1] = "Democracy can be like three wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for dinner."; r_text[2] = "To save energy, we've turned off the light at the end of the tunnel."; r_text[3] = "Every time I lose weight, it finds me again!"; r_text[4] = "Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid."; r_text[5] = "Read on - everyone is entitled to my opinion."; r_text[6] = "Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes (Oscar Wilde)."; r_text[7] = "I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens. (Woody Allen)"; r_text[8] = "I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it."; r_text[9] = "I'd like to have a battle of wits with you, but you're unarmed."; r_text[10] = "I've always wanted to try time travel, but there's no future in it."; r_text[11] = "The earth is full. Go home."; r_text[12] = "There's too much apathy in this world, but who cares?"; r_text[13] = "Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once."; r_text[14] = "Not all the news that's fit to print is fit to read."; r_text[15] = "Outplayed: yes. Out-thought: maybe. Outclassed: never!"; r_text[16] = "If at first you don't succeed, redefine success."; r_text[17] = "If you have nothing to do, don't do it here."; r_text[18] = "In the immortal words of Custer, 'They're on the run now, boys!'"; r_text[19] = "Some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue."; r_text[20] = "They say that history repeats itself, but they've said that before."; r_text[21] = "I disagree with you, but will defend to the death your right to be wrong."; r_text[22] = "Laugh, and the world thinks you're an idiot."; r_text[23] = "Whatever happens to you will have happened even more to those you mention it to."; r_text[24] = "On these pages, confusion not only reigns, it pours."; r_text[25] = "Everybody wants to go to heaven. Nobody wants to die."; r_text[26] = "If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out."; r_text[27] = "The older I get, the better I used to be."; r_text[28] = "No one listens - until you make a mistake."; r_text[29] = "Mistakes are often the stepping stones to complete failures."; r_text[30] = "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance? "; r_text[31] = "I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure."; r_text[32] = "Scientists have recently discovered that research causes cancer in mice."; r_text[33] = "If at first you do succeed, try to act like you expected to."; r_text[34] = "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."; r_text[35] = "Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot."; r_text[36] = "Pigeons flock. Eagles soar. You can aspire to be either. (D.W., tennisontheline)"; r_text[37] = "Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. (Groucho Marx)"; r_text[38] = "The person who says it cannot be done should not interrupt the person doing it."; r_text[39] = "A real friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."; r_text[40] = "If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."; r_text[41] = "Falling doesn't make you a failure, staying down does."; r_text[42] = "You never really lose, until you quit trying."; r_text[43] = "You'll never know how far you can go unless you take one more step. (D.W., tennisontheline)"; r_text[44] = "Searching for that big happy moment in life, how many special little moments we let pass us by."; r_text[45] = "Success comes in cans, failure in can'ts."; r_text[46] = "The difference between stumbling blocks and stepping stones is how you use them."; r_text[47] = "The only people who never fail are those who never try."; r_text[48] = "There are no great people, but there are great challenges that ordinary people may undertake. (D.W., tennisontheline)"; r_text[49] = "Maybe this world is another planet's Hell. (Aldous Huxley)"; r_text[50] = "We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time. (Vince Lombardi)"; r_text[51] = "Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down. (Jimmy Durante)"; r_text[52] = "Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens. (Jimi Hendrix)"; r_text[53] = "I am not young enough to know everything. (Oscar Wilde)"; r_text[54] = "Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday. (Woody Allen)"; r_text[55] = "Don't miss today worrying about tomorrow."; r_text[56] = "If you don't know where you're going, you probably won't get there."; r_text[57] = "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"; r_text[58] = "Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."; r_text[59] = "It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you."; r_text[60] = "All generalisations are false."; r_text[61] = "It's bad luck to be superstitious."; r_text[62] = "If we'd stop trying to be happy, we could have a pretty good time. (Edith Wharton)"; r_text[63] = "Think it, believe it, achieve it! (D.W., tennisontheline)"; r_text[64] = "The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing."; r_text[65] = "The more you lose, the more you appreciate winning."; r_text[66] = "The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train."; r_text[67] = "Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody."; r_text[68] = "Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes."; r_text[69] = "Mistakes are proof that you are trying."; r_text[70] = "My wife says she will leave me if I go to the club one more time. God I'll miss her."; r_text[71] = "Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it."; r_text[72] = "I've forgotten more than I've ever learned."; r_text[73] = "I've upped my standards, now up yours!"; r_text[74] = "If your ship hasn't come in, swim out to it!"; r_text[75] = "If something goes without saying, let it!"; r_text[76] = "If we weren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?"; r_text[77] = "If it ain't broke, fix it till it is!"; r_text[78] = "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you."; r_text[79] = "Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation."; r_text[80] = "Do you believe in love at first sight, or shall I walk past again?"; r_text[81] = "Some tasks have to be put off dozens of times before they completely slip your mind."; r_text[82] = "Okay, so what's the speed of dark?"; r_text[83] = "It's better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt."; r_text[84] = "If winning isn't everything, why do they keep score?"; r_text[85] = "Never offer to tell everything you know. It might not take as long as you think."; r_text[86] = "Nostalgia isn't what it used to be."; r_text[87] = "Age is a very high price to pay for maturity."; r_text[88] = "99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it."; r_text[89] = "Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed."; r_text[90] = "We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails."; r_text[91] = "Opportunities always look bigger going than coming."; r_text[92] = "Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away the day before you need it."; r_text[93] = "Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."; r_text[94] = "Never test the depth of the water with both feet."; r_text[95] = "Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before."; r_text[96] = "Support bacteria - it's the only culture some people have."; r_text[97] = "When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half."; r_text[98] = "Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there."; r_text[99] = "Never test the depth of the water with both feet."; r_text[100] = "We're all in this alone."; r_text[101] = "Income is something you can't live without - or within."; r_text[102] = "Idiots are full of certainty and the intelligent are full of doubt."; r_text[103] = "It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway. (Evan Esar)"; r_text[104] = "The things that count most are things you can't count. (Evan Esar)"; r_text[105] = "Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does. (Evan Esar)"; r_text[106] = " What if this isn't a hypothetical question?"; r_text[107] = "It's amazing to think we're the product of two million years of evolution. Oh boy. (D.W., tennisontheline)"; r_text[108] = "In heaven all the interesting people are missing. (Nietzsche)"; r_text[109] = "We know what the people want and they certainly won't find it here."; r_text[110] = "Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgement."; r_text[111] = "Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards. (Soren Kierkegaard)"; r_text[112] = "If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going."; r_text[113] = "I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability. (Oscar Wilde)"; r_text[114] = "If it weren't for the bad days, the good days wouldn't mean so much. (D.W., tennisontheline)"; r_text[115] = "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. (Thomas Edison)"; r_text[116] = "If men could only know each other, they would neither idolize nor hate. (Elbert Hubbard)"; r_text[117] = "To avoid criticism do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. (Elbert Hubbard)"; r_text[118] = "Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. (Elbert Hubbard)"; r_text[119] = "Religions are many and diverse, but reason and goodness are one. (Elbert Hubbard)"; r_text[120] = "Fools rush in where fools have been before."; r_text[121] = "If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. (Dolly Parton)"; r_text[122] = "We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails."; r_text[123] = "A peacock who rests on its feathers is just another turkey. (Dolly Parton)"; r_text[124] = "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. (Eleanor Roosevelt)"; r_text[125] = "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. (John Lennon)"; r_text[126] = "Where we are met with cynicism and doubt and fear and those who tell us that we can't, we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of the American people in three simple words: Yes. We. Can. (Barack Obama)"; r_text[127] = "Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. (Sir Winston Churchill)"; r_text[128] = "I don't necessarily agree with everything I say. (Marshall McLuhan)"; r_text[129] = "Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. (W. C. Fields)"; r_text[130] = "Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. (Fletcher Knebel)"; r_text[131] = "Too much of a good thing is wonderful. (Mae West)"; r_text[132] = "Experts are people who learn more and more about less and less until eventually they know everything about nothing."; r_text[133] = "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. (Henny Youngman)"; r_text[134] = "There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. (Stephen Colbert)"; r_text[135] = "Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up. (Wilson Mizner)"; r_text[136] = "A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. (Robert Frost)"; r_text[137] = "A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. (Robert Frost)"; r_text[138] = "Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. (Robert Frost)"; r_text[139] = "I'm against a homogenized society because I want the cream to rise. (Robert Frost)"; r_text[140] = "The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them. (Robert Frost)"; r_text[141] = "How do you get altruism to work for you?"; r_text[142] = "Solipsism is great. Everyone should try it."; r_text[143] = "Democracy can only exist until the voters discover that they can vote themselves money from the public treasury. (Alexander Tyler)"; r_text[144] = "Common sense is genius dressed in working man's clothes. (Ralph Waldo Emerson)"; r_text[145] = "You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in. (Arlo Guthrie)"; r_text[146] = "This is so American, man: either make something your God and cosmos and then worship it, or else kill it. (David Foster Wallace)"; r_text[147] = "We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 years telling them to sit down and shut up. (Phyllis Diller)"; r_text[148] = "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either. (Dick Cavett)"; r_text[149] = "Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. (George Carlin)"; r_text[150] = "It only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the 13th or 14th. (George Burns)"; r_text[151] = "I never drink coffee at lunch. I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon. (Ronald Reagan)"; r_text[152] = "I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. (Steven Wright)"; r_text[153] = "Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. (Oscar Wilde)"; r_text[154] = "Once you can accept the universe as being something expanding into an infinite nothing which is something, wearing stripes with plaid is easy. (Albert Einstein)"; r_text[155] = "Almost every wise saying has an opposite one, no less wise, to balance it. (George Santayana)"; r_text[156] = "Pay no attention to what the critics say. Remember, a statue has never been set up in honour of a critic! (Jean Sibelius)"; r_text[157] = "Rosa sat so Martin could walk. Martin walked so Barack could run. Barack ran so our children can fly."; r_text[158] = "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work ... I want to achieve it through not dying. (Woody Allen)"; r_text[159] = "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it. (Henry Thoreau)"; var i = Math.round((r_text.length-1) * Math.random()); document.write(""); document.write(""); document.write(""); document.write(r_text[i]); document.write(""); document.write(""); document.write(""); Welcome to On The Line! This website explores the multi-faceted world of tennis. You will find a wealth of material ranging from light-hearted satire to motivational coaching tips, from eyebrow-raising quotes to controversial comment, from challenging quiz questions to droll humour. The site presents topics as wide-ranging as the introduction of electronic line-calling systems, match-rigging, Andre Agassi's legacy, the demise of serve-and-volley and the Flying Spaghetti Monster! The popular catalogue of quotes is expanding all the time and you will find well over a hundred practical pointers and tips to help you develop your own game. There are also interactive quizzes and games to help you while away a leisurely hour or two. Over time, new articles and material will be added. You are encouraged to voice your reaction to the articles you read in the Talking Points area. Recent talking points Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental! The possibility of bringing extinct species back to life has been raised by research performed by Japanese scientists. What are the implications for mankind? Roger and Rafa explore the ethical dilemmas. No guarantees! Because players are allowed to accept undisclosed guarantees from tournament organisers and because the ranking system allows certain results to be discounted, the competitive structure of the professional game has been undermined. It has become open to abuse by unscrupulous elements. Tennis's newly formed Integrity Unit would do well to address the issue of appearance money as urgently as possible. The WTA hot potato  Serena Williams It's probably reasonable to assume that tennis players hate losing. It's strange, then, that the WTA Tour is now on the cusp of a phenomenon whereby all the contenders for the recently vacated number one spot seem scared of winning that accolade owing to all the hullabaloo that goes with it. Can Wimbledon keep a lid on night sessions? Sporting insomniacs should not despair when they hear Ian Ritchie dismiss the notion of separately ticketed night matches. As sure as grass is green, they will come. And the All England Club will not lose any sleep over it. More . . . Copyright notice You may reproduce material from this website, subject to the following limitations: 1. It must be reproduced without variation. 2. There must be a link back to this site. 3. There must be a copyright notice crediting the author. Website author: Dave Winship Search this site (powered by FreeFind)   FEATURES COACH'S CAVE  Is your backhand out of sorts? Is your serve looking run-down and in need of a tonic? Enter Coach's Cave where you can click on questions previous explorers left behind! Take a torch and a racket! LAUGHTER LABYRINTH  Sidespin: Funny snips of conversation from Upper Gummtrey Tennis Club. Here's a short sample: Stuart: We're in a spot of bother here, Jez. Jez: Do you think they've cottoned on to our signals? Stuart: Oh yes. Jez: So they know exactly where I'm going to serve? Stuart: Oh yes. But it's worse than that. Jez: Worse? Stuart: They couldn't care less where you serve. Junk shots: A quirky and satirical view of the world of tennis. Off The Frame: It goes where no other tennis story has ever gone before - sideways. It's half story, half parody, and half something else entirely. One reviewer described it as "an enthralling juxtaposition of the sublime and the mundane", but we didn't understand a word of it, so we commissioned another reviewer, who said it was "definitely the product of an addled brain". Frankly, we won't be asking her to review anything again. We think it's just a sketchy story interspersed with a few corny gags, but you'll just have to make up your own minds! You'll find more in the same vein in the Laughter Labyrinth. We hope you find a way out. FEATURED PLAYER  Our current featured player is Vera Zvonareva, who was the last player to qualify for the eight-player field at the season-ending WTA Championships in Doha. If the pundits were dismissing her chances of reaching the final, the Russian clearly had no such doubts as she powered through the round robin stage and outlasted Elena Dementieva in the semis. QUIZ  Who is this? It's just one question in the latest quiz. It's not too difficult. We refuse to be impressed unless you score more than 7! If you've not visited here before, try out the past quizzes - numbers 1 to 57 are still all there. HANGMAN  Take the challenge - have a go at playing Tennis Hangman! Click here. HUMOUR COACHING TIPS COMMENT QUIZ QUOTES LINKS HOME |
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